Questions

Discussing parenting this weekend with a friend reminded me of something important. Our role as parents evolves over time. When our children are young, our primary role is answer giver, providing information and direction for our children. We make more statements than ask questions. Don’t touch that hot stove. Don’t walk into the street. Do your homework. Obey your parents. If you’re a parent, you know this only touches the surface.

As children mature, our role should change. Statements should evolve into questions. Giving information should transform into offering advice. Holding children close should change into letting them go.

Most parents, if we are honest, struggle with this transition. We want to keep telling our children what to do. We want to protect them from the dangers of life. We want them to be who we want them to be.

But the reality is, they are not us. They are themselves. They are different than we are. They may have different values, different opinions, and different behaviors. As we begin to see our children become their own people, we need to change our approach. If we continue to focus on making statements, giving information, and holding them close, we can retard their growth, frustrate ourselves, and take ownership of something that is not ours.

Evolution and change are part of life. They involve risk for sure. But they also offer opportunities for improvement. Our children have the possibility of being better than us, but that becomes more difficult when we seek to constrain them.

This is not an easy process. We will all blow it. Sometimes we will let go too quickly and other times we hold on too long. We are imperfect human beings seeking to help other imperfect human beings find themselves.

These last few weeks as I have watched students protest following a school shooting, I noticed a few things. Sometimes, we don’t offer enough guidance and other times we create too many restraints. I witnessed people on one side of the issue applauding these young people without seeming to challenge them to think more deeply. On the other side, I saw people belittle these young people, saying they have no idea what they are talking about.

What if, rather than either extreme, we all sat around a table and challenged opinions while also encouraging efforts? What if, instead of making statement to and about these students, we asked questions to engage in dialogue about the deeper issues at hand?

We need grace for each other and for our children. We must grant them the freedom to make mistakes, while maintaining an open posture to ask questions when the opportunity avails itself. Too often, I see parents try to protect their children from the world far too late into their lives, and in the process they often help create young legalists or set them up for ugly falls.

When we find that middle ground where dialogue and questions offer young people a chance to think for themselves while also remaining open to learning from our wisdom, experience, and mistakes, we will create an environment for growth. Our questions will then help the next generation find its own answers. This is going to happen anyway. Wouldn’t it be better if we served more as a help than a hindrance?