Gluten.
Okay, that’s the easy answer. Gluten has been my nemesis and causes my psoriasis to flare up, so it was an obvious choice. I need to get back to eating gluten-free, and Lent is a perfect time to focus on that.
But that’s not the hard work that lies ahead for me during Lent. Avoiding bread and pasta is child’s play compared to the other challenge I am taking on.
Self-hatred.
This is the other thing I have vowed to give up for this season of Lent. Now that will be a real challenge.
I cannot speak for anyone else, but this is one of my greatest enemies. For most of my life I have been haunted by that voice telling me I’m not good enough, I’m not accepted, I’m not loved.
If I have learned anything over the last few years, it’s that this voice is relentless, hanging on like few things I know, fighting tooth and nail to be heard and refusing to go away quietly.
For years I thought if I read enough Scripture, prayed enough prayers, and did enough good, the voices would go away. The reality is all those things by themselves are an attempt to outshout the negative voices. When things quieted down, the self-hatred was still there.
So this Lent I will do the difficult thing. I will be still and listen. I will sit with the fear, the pain, and the discomfort.
Christ did not overcome evil by overpowering it; he succumbed to it. He suffered pain and death. It wasn’t until he experienced the crucifixion that Christ could experience resurrection.
So how am I giving up self-hatred for Lent? Not by hustling to outshout it, but by being still. By listening to the small, still voice that says I am good enough, I am accepted, I am loved.
This is not a feel-good philosophy bypassing my sin, but a journey through the darkness acknowledging my brokenness while also embracing the goodness. Only when I’m still enough to hear the breath that breathed life into dust will I hear my true worth.
Ash Wednesday reminds us from dust we came and to dust we will return. But the breath of God brought that dust to life. That same breath reminds me I no longer need to hate myself, for at my core, I am created in the image and likeness of the One who brought it all to life and holds it all together.
Breaking Into Peace 