Forgiveness

We live in a world where politicians are excoriated for something they said or did decades ago.

We live in a world where someone can’t host an awards show for a joke told years earlier.

We live in a world where people’s pasts continue to mark them and label them.

What has happened to forgiveness?

Don’t get me wrong, there are some missteps that call for consequences. Things like abuse, serious harm, and criminal acts cannot simply be swept under the rug. But there is a marked difference between restorative justice and retribution.

Retribution seeks revenge while restorative justice seeks peace. It seems so much of our world today seeks the former much more than the latter. I’ll say hateful things about you because you said them about me. Someone of my race/nation/group/etc was attacked, so now I’ll attack one of “your people.” You get the idea.

This is where forgiveness comes into play. Forgiveness is able to seek restorative justice but is incompatible with retribution.

What if we learned to embrace and practice forgiveness? What if we could forgive that person who hurt us, offended us, or wronged us? How would that change the dynamic?

I know what some will say. They deserve what they get. Punishment is the greatest deterrent.

I used to feel that way, but I don’t anymore.

How does my retaliation improve the situation? My hatred and anger back towards you throws more gasoline on an already burning fire. Most of the time retribution only sparks more violence and hatred.

Yes, there is a time to defend yourself and we will struggle to agree on where that line should be drawn. But leading with forgiveness can disarm and at least cool down most situations.

In my own life I have wrestled with forgiveness. Forgiveness for the man who ran a stop sign and killed my mom. Forgiveness for the family friend who sexually abused me. Forgiveness for others who have disrupted and derailed my life. None of these have been easy and, in some ways, forgiving these people will be a lifelong journey.

There is a saying attributed to several people, including Nelson Mandela, that states, “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Forgiveness is the pathway to releasing anger and resentment. Forgiveness allows us to transition from retribution to restoration.

Forgiving others is only part of the battle. Most of us – all of us to some extent if we’re honest – need to forgive ourselves as well. Until we learn to do this, forgiving others will be an even bigger challenge. Self-hatred causes anger to simmer inside us, often driving us to hurt others, ourself, or both.

I wonder how many mass shooters harbored self-hatred fueled by an inability to forgive themselves. I wonder how many political leaders lash out at others due to their own unattended issues. I wonder how many of us lash out at others partially due to a repressed or even unrealized need to forgive ourselves.

God knows I still struggle with this daily. Some days are far better than others, but the battle is ongoing. Maybe you don’t wrestle with this like I do or maybe you’re just in denial. Either way, I encourage you to consider how being more forgiving might transform the way you treat others or even yourself. I believe it’s worth the effort.