When I was serving at a church in Michigan, we went through a difficult season as a community. Within a year, there were four tragic deaths, three of those within a few months. During this time I was also working through a potential change in my role at the church and wrestling with some of my own demons.
These deaths weighed heavily on my soul and exposed a deeper brokenness I had been able to hide behind laughter, smiles, and busyness.
I found myself sliding into a season of depression which I worked hard to hide from everyone around me. I kept telling jokes, putting on a happy face, and plugging along. The internal struggle was palpable and the pain exacerbating by my hiding.
I remember sitting across the table from one of the church’s elders for breakfast discussing my potential shift in roles at the church. His lips were moving, but I wasn’t listening, or at least I couldn’t really hear him. This incident was indicative of my experiences throughout that season.
I told no one of the darkness, the heaviness haunting my soul. I had made it a habit of hiding the dark parts of my life from everyone, and this was no exception.
I still remember feeling the weight of that darkness. I recall the ways I shut everyone out and stood in front of groups of students and adults and kept performing through the pain. Even now, I remember how the final death in that string of tragic events dealt a heavy blow to my heart.
While that season of immense darkness finally begin to lift, the skill of hiding would continue for some time. It would be several more years until, following the deaths of my brother-in-law and then my father, I finally began to dismantle the facades I worked so hard to build and remove the masks I had worn so well.
I know the fear of vulnerability, the power of shame, and the weight of darkness. I have felt their exhausting and excruciating grip.
I still feel their presence at times, but I have also found some light. Brené Brown says, “If you trade your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief.” That right there is some Grade A truth.
If you are feeling the darkness, the weight, the shame, find somewhere to let some light in. Crack the door and let someone in. It could be confiding in a trusted friend. Maybe it’s seeking out a therapist. All I can tell you is, do it sooner rather than later.
Even the smallest glimmer of light in the darkness can help you start to turn the corner and see enough to take the next step.
Breaking Into Peace 