Month: October 2021

In her book Rising Strong, Brené Brown writes, “People who wade into discomfort and vulnerability and tell the truth about their stories are the real badasses.”

I recently had an opportunity to practice this kind of wading while serving as a facilitator at a weekend leadership academy for college students.

On Friday evening, we gathered for our first small group breakout session. We were tasked with unpacking the idea of vulnerability by sharing a “moment of consequence” which had impacted our life.

Preparing for this first session, I had reflected on what to share. How vulnerable should I be with these young men and women, all but one of whom I had never met before? In the hours and even minutes before, I still hadn’t fully decided. I paused, listened for the small, still voice of the divine, seeking guidance and wisdom.

As we gathered in our circle, there was a clarity and peace. When the time came for me to lead this particular conversation, I called upon my deepest courage and briefly shared the story of my sexual abuse, which I have previously written about here.

Listening to others share moments of consequence, the room held an aura of shelter; students seemed comfortable sharing a level or two deeper than they might have otherwise.

This story is not meant to illicit praise for my actions, but rather to highlight the power of vulnerability. The sharing which occurred that Friday evening is not any more brave than what happens in support groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous around the globe on a daily basis.

As I reflect on my own experiences, especially in religious communities, a question arises: Why is this type of vulnerability often limited to places like church basements rather than church sanctuaries? (Oh, the irony dripping from the last word of the previous sentence.) However, this deficiency extends far beyond the walls of church buildings. How many boardrooms and family rooms, coffee houses and bedrooms are equally suffering from a lack of vulnerability?

A brief word of warning. Vulnerability requires courage, but also wisdom. Offered to the wrong person, vulnerability can bring about great pain through misuse or even betrayal. Wisdom must be exercised when it comes to vulnerability. While the risk is usually worth it, be mindful of those who might yield it as a weapon.

As our weekend wrapped up, group members wrote notes to one another. In both those notes and comments made to me, several students mentioned how my vulnerability created an environment where they felt a little safer to share their stories. To borrow Brené’s words, it birthed a room of badasses and led to some incredible conversation and connection.

Birthing vulnerability will not always be easy, but the kind of authentic community which it brings to life is worth the risk.

In my work with young people, I occasionally use the Telephone Game to teach about communication. It is a great way to illustrate how challenging communicating can be for both speaker and listener.

Every once in a while there is that one student who decides to completely change the message and what the last student hears bears no resemblance to the original message. While it can be pretty humorous during the game, the results of this happening in real life can be quite the opposite.

Whether an honest mistake or intentional lies, when someone creates or spreads a false story, those untruths often move quicker than truth. There is a reason why the Bible addresses gossip so many times. It can destroy relationships, careers, communities, and even entire lives.

The writer of Proverbs says, “A perverse person spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends.” (Proverbs 16:28)

Exodus 23:1 states, “You shall not spread a false report. You shall not join hands with the wicked to act as a malicious witness.”

Gossip in the church is directly confronted by name in Romans, 2 Corinthians, and 1 Timothy. Other books of the New Testament, including Ephesians and James, tackle the power of words in bringing forth both healing and hurt.

While not directly discussing gossip in this particular passage, Jesus offers us some advice about dealing with situations where someone has done wrong in Matthew 8:15-17: If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one. But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

I have witnessed the destructive power of one person’s words to disrupt community, fracture relationships, and significantly alter the course of a person’s life.

While Jesus’ words above address situations where someone has been wronged, the principle of his message in the broader context of the Bible’s approach to gossip has implications for all relationships. While I don’t believe we should use the Bible to construct a bunch of lists, following the course of action outlined in Matthew 18 could be applied to most any situation where we hear something about another person, especially when the information has potential to cause great harm.

First, go to the person. Seek out the one whom the story is about. Listen to them.

If it seems like they avoiding the topic or being dishonest or unpleasant, decide if it is worth inviting a few other people into the conversation.

In some cases, depending on the nature of the story, there may be occasions to include a broader audience.

Unfortunately, many people follow the opposite path. And painfully, faith communities and those professing to be followers of Jesus are often the worst offenders.

They share stories with others before, if ever, going to the person they are talking about. They bring about judgment before compassion, spreading what is sometimes misinformation without any meaningful effort to confirm its validity.

Some do this for the thrill, others for revenge. Sometimes, people deal with the anxiety of their own unseen shortcomings by talking about those of others. Occasionally, people even use these stories to benefit themselves personally, professionally, or financially.

When you hear something about another person, whenever possible go to directly that person and ask them first. We spend too much time talking about others and far too often avoid talking with them. When it’s not possible to talk with that person, our best course of action is usually to not further share the information at all.

Whether you consider yourself a Christian or not, this is good advice for all of us. As technology has made it easier for information to spread, it has simply exacerbated this phenomena. I have seen this play out numerous times, most tangibly in cyberbullying among adolescents. But we adults aren’t any better; we are just more nuanced about it.

While the rules of the Telephone Game are designed to create miscommunication and misinformation, the rules of real life shouldn’t be the same. When it comes to gossip and negative stories, let’s spend more time talking with people and little to no time talking about them. The implications of this one small action could make a significant difference in someone’s life.