Unanswered questions

They linger in the air like the scent of bacon long after breakfast has been eaten, present but invisible, a reminder of what was.

There are so many questions I want to ask, answers I long for. But they will forever remain, never settling, their aroma ever present.

It has been over seven years since I held my dad’s hand as he took his last breath. Nearly twenty-three years separate this day from the unexpected phone call when my dad’s voice cracked as he informed of the car accident which tragically ended my mom’s life.

In the years since my dad’s death, I have spent countless hours in therapy, written hundreds of pages in my journal, and sat in moments of silence. In each of these realms, questions often fill the space.

As an only child, the only two witnesses to many of my childhood moments are silent, their voices relegated to the grave. There are no siblings to call. My parents, as private and closed off as they were, left few clues or records to revisit.

Childhood trauma shrouds my memories, whether lost forever or hidden from view is unclear; the brain is a tricky thing.

Having so many unanswered questions can be unnerving at times, their shadows haunting like ghosts from the past.

Letting go is a process, not an event; it doesn’t follow a straight line. Rather, it’s a weaving road, wandering along the byways of life, at times seeming like a detour, not a road actually leading anywhere. Some days, I return to ground previously covered, wondering how and when I lost my way.

Accepting the unresolved and unreachable nature of these questions is part of the journey, an aspect of healing and growth. Releasing the need to know feels like leaving the scab alone so it can more fully heal. While it leaves behind a scar, I remember scars are part of life; they mark aspects of the journey which have been painful, but nevertheless shape who we are today.

We all have unanswered questions, whether we admit it or not. We may never find the answers, but the exploration just might lead us to places where we encounter new questions, ones which lead towards healing and resurrection in a life oft filled with pain and uncertainty.