Month: May 2022

In the last month or so, I have been blessed to attend several events for organizations helping those fighting cancer. It has been inspiring, hopeful, and sobering to listen to stories of survivors and others who have gained their wings.

We invest billions of dollar and countless hours hoping to cure cancer: breast, blood, lung, brain, and other varieties of this terrible disease.

There is currently a different kind of cancer spreading through the body politic. It spreads via social media posts, news opinion shows, bumper stickers, T-shirts, conversations, and a variety of others methods.

The dictionary defines cancer as “a disease caused by an uncontrolled division of abnormal cells in a part of the body.” Is there a better word to describe what is going on our world—and especially our nation—today?

We are surrounded by uncontrolled division, fed by silos of skewed and partisan information created by cable news channels, social media logarithms, and other forms of confirmation bias. I see this clearly at the gym while perusing the news coverage of multiple networks. My social media newsfeeds reveal it through websites referenced and shared. It appears in conversations where sources which are questionable at best are sometimes used to support or spread theories and opinions.

I recognize these biases exist in my world. Even in my best efforts to search for the broadest spectrum of informational sources, my perspective is shaped in a multitude of ways.

How do we cure this cancer? Let’s consider a few steps which can move us in the right direction:

Do our homework. Don’t let our favorite sources of information be our only sources. Whether news channels or social media websites, the primary goal is to make money. The more eyeballs looking and listening, the more revenue they generate. This is often done by emotional manipulation (more on that in a minute). When someone is emotionally connected to certain ways of thinking, they are even more likely to remain faithful consumers of those who offer information confirming existing viewpoints.

Check our emotions. Emotions are a crucial part of who we are, but they can cloud our ability to think clearly. Anger and fear feed this cancer and increase division, exacerbating our fear of those who seemingly oppose or threaten our way of life, our beliefs, and our rights. While there are times anger and fear are well founded, many times it is misplaced or exaggerated. This can actually drown out moments when anger and fear are appropriate. Like the boy who cried wolf, ongoing vitriol towards those we disagree with creates a fog of emotion where we can’t see anything clearly.

Listen to the other person, really listen. Too often we shout at each other instead of listening to each other. Rather than immediately attacking differences, seek out common ground. While someone else’s solution to an issue might seem anathema to you, often their end goal might be closer to yours than you realize. We will never know unless we truly listen.

Embrace the humanity of the other person. Can we all admit everyone has at least a little malevolence inside them? None of us are perfect, completely free of flaws including hate and prejudice. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus says, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…” (Matthew 5:43-44). Later in the same discourse, he says, “Why do you see the speck in your neighbor’s eye but do not notice the log in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3). My friends, we will not be more human until we witness to the humanity in those we consider enemies.

While not an exhaustive list, doing our homework, checking our emotions, listening to the other person, and embracing the humanity of the other moves us closer to curing the cancer slowly killing our nation and world. Each calls us to a thoughtful examination of our own attitudes and behaviors before broaching the other person’s. We will only cure this cancer when we face our own illness before attacking any perceived illness of another. Inside our own hearts and minds is where the healing will and must begin.

On my birthday weekend five years ago, my world came crumbling down; I spent the better part of Saturday lying in bed motionless, wishing my life would end. Sunday, my birthday, included spending over two hours at my parents’ grave listening to all 42 chapters of the book of Job.

These last five years have been a journey, excruciating and enlightening, offering periods of deep despair and glimpses of hope. There has been betrayal and acceptance, suffering and joy.

There have been days I wanted to close my eyes and never wake up, moments of utter hopelessness. If not for the boundless love of God, a few close friends, and knowing how my absence might impact a handful of people, I might not be here today to write these words.

This journey has shaped me, changed me, broken me open in ways I never imagined. I have faced childhood wounds, unhealthy habits, and deep flaws, while also discovering unknown potential, finding healing, and learning to love myself.

In late 2021, I got my first tattoo. I never thought I would get a tattoo, but felt the need to imprint the image at the top of this post as a reminder of where I have been, where I am going, and the One has been with me along the way.

It is the Hebrew word chesed, best translated loving-kindness or giving oneself fully, with love and compassion, and appears over 200 times in the Hebrew Bible. This image on my arm serves as a reminder of God’s chesed for me and my mission to bring chesed into the world. When I couldn’t love myself, God’s love sustained me. When I didn’t think God loved me, I trusted the idea of chesed. It has been an anchor and a safe harbor, sometimes the only thread of hope left to hold onto.

Inside the word chesed is a rainbow, a symbol carrying multiple meanings for me. It serves as a visual reminder of God’s promise of an everlasting covenant with me and all of creation while also symbolizing my full acceptance and love of myself, including my sexuality. The meaning of each color in the rainbow brings even more depth of meaning to this symbol on my arm: red = life; orange = healing; yellow = sunlight; green = nature; blue = serenity; purple = spirit.

Over these last five years, each has been an important part of my journey. I have found new love for life, healing from past wounds, warmth from actual and metaphorical sunlight, peace in nature, previously unknown serenity, and deeper connection with spirit within the divine flow.

Music has been another significant source of strength. While a handful of songs have spoken powerfully along the way, a song which has served as a constant anthem is Son by Sleeping at Last. You can listen to the song HERE; Below are the lyrics:

Show me who I am and who I could be.
Initiate the heart within me until it opens properly.

Slow down, start again from the beginning.
I can’t keep my head from spinning out of control.
Is this what being vulnerable feels like?

I swear I’ll try, try, try to breathe ’til it turns to muscle memory.
I’m only steady on my knees;
One day I’ll stand up on my own two feet.

I’ll run the risk of being intimate with brokenness.
Through this magnifying glass, I see a thousand finger prints
On the surfaces of who I am.

Show me where to find the silver lining
As the mercury keeps rising,
’Til the glass or my fever breaks.

Show me how to struggle gracefully.
Let the scaffolding inside of me be strong enough
To hold this tired body up once more.

And I will try, try, try to breathe ’til it turns to muscle memory.
I feel the pressure in my blood building up and liberating me.
So I will try, try, try to breathe ’til it turns to muscle memory.
I’m only steady on my knees.
But one day, I’ll stand on my own two feet.

I’ll run the risk of being intimate with brokenness.
Through this magnifying glass, I see a thousand finger prints
That ran the risk of being intimate with my brokenness.
I was given a gift of hope in a thousand finger prints
On the surface of who I am.

Completing this 52^nd year of life, I realize how much has been learned and how much remains to be discovered. I am only six years from my mom’s age when she died; a sobering fact, bringing the brevity and fragility of life to the fore. This reality compels me to consider what to do with whatever days remain in this life.

The time has come to turn the page to a new chapter, one pursing deeper purpose and meaning. A blank page brings risk, fear, and uncertainty, but also opportunity and hope, dreams to discover and pursue.

I am incredibly thankful for those who have accompanied me on the journey. In some strange way, there is a even a certain thankfulness for those who have brought pain and suffering, or at least for the lessons they taught me or pointed me towards.

New friends have come into my life; some old ones have left. Others have walked with me for a season along a stretch of the path. Each has brought something valuable, things such as insight, challenge, compassion, and love. Whether still present or a fond memory, each holds a special place in my heart.

Like the lyrics above say, I have run the risk of being intimate with my brokenness. That intimacy has brought disappointment and fulfillment, suffering and joy. It has not always been easy or enjoyable, but it has been good. While still a work in progress, I continue moving forward. My greatest hope is it has all made me a better human being, allowed me to experience a deeper sense of God’s chesed, and given me opportunities to offer my whole self and a some chesed to those around me.

In his book, Man’s Search Meaning, Victor Frankl writes, “When a person can’t find a deep sense of meaning, they distract themselves with pleasure.” Sitting with those words and reflecting on my life and our world, it seems there may be few words which speak more powerfully to our current struggle as individuals and a society.

We are surrounded by pleasure. We can binge hundreds of shows. We carry access to countless forms of entertainment and distraction in our pockets and purses. With a quick search on Google, Yelp, or a host of others apps, we can discover dozens if not hundreds of things to do with our time.

Most of us don’t do sitting still very well. Think about it…one of the most common answers to “How are you?” is “Busy.”

I am convinced one of the reasons we keep busy is to mask the absence of a deep sense of meaning in our lives. We run to pleasure and its cacophony of noises to drown out the ache in our soul.

We fear sitting still or in silence because it can be deafening, believing if we run fast enough, make enough noise, stay busy enough, we might forget the empty space deep inside crying out for meaning.

I have fallen into this trap throughout my life. Being an Enneagram 7, it happens fairly easily.

Life has slowly been teaching me to sit with pain and discomfort. Meditation practice over the last nine months has aided me in building mental and emotional muscles I didn’t realize were there.

While there is still have much to learn, I am beginning to understand something else Frankl says about pleasure: “Pleasure is, and must remain, a side effect or by-product, and is destroyed and spoiled to the degree to which it is made a goal in itself.”

He it right. When pleasure becomes the goal, it loses a certain level of enjoyment. It may taste good in the moment, but can often have a bitter aftertaste. This often brings us back to the well for more; the cycle continues, our pursuit of pleasure for pleasure’s sake draining our soul.

I don’t know all the answers, but have discovered some pathways heading in the right direction. I am learning that pursuing meaning produces pleasure, a pleasure deeper than anything we try to create. Meaning, true, deep meaning, offers a spring of living water and invites us to drink. Drink up!