This morning during my mediation we were asked to consider a recent situation which brought forth a difficult emotion. It didn’t take long for one to come to mind.
The meditation guide was leading us through what he called the ABC’s of emotions: awareness, balance, and curiosity. Leading us through the process included asking a few probing questions. At one point, we were asked to consider the story we were telling ourselves and describe the underlying cause of the emotion in one word.
Enough.
That was my word, enough.
I can’t speak for anyone else, but not being enough has often been the cause of difficult emotions for me over the years, causing fear and pain and driving a host of unhealthy decisions and behaviors. It has caused me to shut out the world or overcompensate, stoking the fires of a living hell deep inside my heart, mind, and soul much of my life.
I wonder how much of the world is haunted by this one word, enough. Looking around at how hard people work to promote themselves, gain power, oppress others, improve their image, gather wealth, and a host of other behaviors, the evidence would suggest it’s pretty common.
I have slowly been learning I truly am enough, and my grip on things has loosened. Don’t get me wrong, there is still much work to be done, but the change has been evident.
Knowing I am leaving this house in less than a month, the place I have known as home in one form or another my entire life, is witness to this change. It has been an anchor, but often an albatross as well. There is a bittersweet feeling, but also tremendous peace.
Throughout life, the fear of being enough has caused me to settle more times than I care to admit. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. Fear of being alone. Fear of, well, not being enough. For me, it was easier to play it safe and find “enoughness” in less than I was fully capable of being.
Some likely fight this fear by overcompensating, boasting, conquering, seeking fame and fortune. They work and work and work to prove they are enough and, ironically, it’s usually never enough.
I am learning to fear less, hold things less tightly, lower my walls, and remember I am enough. This growth has been fueled by many things, including my faith, and I have come to believe God loves and accepts everyone, no questions asked.
I spent years in a religious tribe which preached grace but taught you had to earn your salvation. It has taken me years of learning and healing, but my views have changed. I have always had salvation, it was never something I had to earn. Rather, it is something ever present I am on a journey to discover.
Salvation is not somewhere or something we will receive when we die, but a present reality we are called to discover, embrace, and embody. There is no earning involved. This means we already enough, just as we are.
My task in this life is not to placate some divine being who is pissed off because I did something wrong. Rather, I pursue the divine being who is always in my midst, always waiting, always loving, always wanting me to heal and grow.
Salvation is not found when we jump through hoops, say the right words, or do the right things. Salvation is found when we realize the divine has been working in us and through us all along. When we come to understand we have always been loved, the only work we have is learning we are already enough.
Once we figure that out, the rest will take care of itself.
Breaking Into Peace 