More than a celebration

The other day I drove past a building with the following sign out front: “Celebration of Life Center.” This got me thinking.

I often hear of funeral services referred to as a celebration of life. Don’t get me wrong, I am all about celebrating someone’s life when they die, but what about the grief? Why are we afraid to name the grief, to acknowledge and even welcome it?

We seem so adverse to talking about death, even when it stands right before us.

Several years ago I heard someone posit a theory which seemed true. They wondered if the reason many people display so much grief at the death of celebrity they never met is because they are discharging grief they are carrying around from another loss in their life.

It also seems we often use phrases like “passed away,” possibly in an effort to blunt the cold, stark reality that someone died.

Having officiated many funerals and walked alongside those suffering the loss of a loved one, I have witnessed people seeking to avoid grief. Some even seem to disregard it in the midst of their tears, relegating the deeper feelings to the background.

Many people are likely carrying around anger, pain, and other heavy emotions from unacknowledged trauma from some painful loss, often unintentionally or unknowingly. This has been my personal experience.

About a decade ago, the church I was serving experienced a string of painful deaths, including a child, a 21-year-old, a member of our staff, and a parent of students in my youth group. As part of the pastoral team, I helped officiate the services, minister to the families, and walk alongside our congregation through this dark season.

Lacking much of the self-awareness gained over the last decade, I was blind to what was going on inside of me and slid into a period of deep depression. This impacted my relationships, self-image, behaviors, and thinking, causing me to withdraw even further behind walls where I had hidden for years.

Even those who saw the effects didn’t see me or what was really going on. I had learned to hide pretty well, even from myself.

I didn’t begin to fully comprehended the depth of that season’s impact until starting therapy after my dad’s death several years later. The subsequent deep dive into my heart, mind, and soul uncovered issues and situations buried and not dealt with most of my life.

Most of us are likely carrying around grief we haven’t fully dealt with—the death of a loved one, a lost relationship, an unrealized dream, unfulfilled potential, or countless other losses. This grief often manifests itself in anger, withdrawal, or unhealthy behaviors. Sometimes it shows up in more socially acceptable forms such as over-functioning or driving hard for success. Grief, even when we suppress it, will find a way out.

The next time someone famous dies, be still for a moment and look around. Listen. Observe. And don’t forget to find a mirror and look inward as well, asking yourself how the grief you’re feeling might actually be something closer to home which has been lurking below the surface for months or even years.

When the time comes and you experience a loss in your own life, consider how you welcome and embrace grief. It is good and valuable to celebrate the life of someone who has died—or anything else important in our life which has ended—but let us not forget to make ample room for grief so we can also acknowledge the loss.