Le’go my ego

Pardon the slight alteration of a well-known slogan, but stick with me.

For many, probably most of us, ego is one of our biggest barriers to growth.

You might stop me and say, “Wait, I’m not egotistical.”

Maybe not, but that’s not ego’s entire identity. On a deeper, broader level, the ego is, to borrow the words of Fr. Richard Rohr, “that part of the self that wants to be significant, central, and important by itself, apart from anybody else.”

We all—if we take a deep, honest look in the mirror—have an ego residing inside us. For some it may be painfully apparent on the outside; for others it lurks under the surface, working in more covert ways.

I struggle with my ego regularly. Those who know me well could likely list a variety of ways they have seen it action. There are countless other ways it works behind the scenes or manifests in more socially correct forms, hidden in plain view.

Counseling, medication, silence, spiritual direction, journaling, and other self-work have continued to open my eyes to the ways my ego has often controlled me. For years, it fueled shame, enflamed unhealthy desires, drove aggression, impassioned judgmental attitudes, and otherwise made me an unpleasant person to others and myself.

Those practices also opened a stream of self-compassion, a space where the ego could be welcomed, embraced, and loved. That space allowed the shadow side of ego to encounter the light of grace and mercy. This tension guided my soul towards healing and wholeness, a journey which continues to this day.

I am still not the man I want to be, but by the grace of God, the love of Jesus, and the work of the Spirit, I am no longer the man I used to be.

One of the most interesting aspects of this journey has been learning how offering hospitality to the ego actually makes it easier to let go of it. Gaining the ability to lovingly welcome that which holds on to us allows us to loosen our grip on it. This lessens its power and loosens its grip on us.

I would not wish the darkest chapters of my story on an enemy; I would wish the healing I have experienced for them. Enrolling in this lifelong course of letting go of my ego has guided me to a place of healing, hope, and peace which once seemed unreachable.