In this journey of exploration there arose an apparent conflict which had to be addressed, one between sexual orientation and my faith. Sorting this out has proven to be a challenging and enriching journey.
It seems some who find their sexuality doesn’t fit into cultural norms, especially in the Christian community, have simply left, either abandoning Christianity for another faith or leaving religion completely behind. Others, especially in more recent years, have left one religious tribe and joined a different, more affirming one. The number of LGBTQ+ affirming churches continues to grow. While some say it is because they are simply catering to culture, I would disagree and will offer a few reasons why later in this post.
Having both bachelor’s and master’s degrees in ministry and deeply enjoying the study of theology and spiritual practices, I felt the need to take a scholarly deep dive into the matter at hand and had no intention of leaving the Christian community. While I have come to believe that the Creator shows up in a variety of unexpected religious communities across the globe, Christianity’s worldview continues to be home for me.
I have experienced several seasons of “wilderness wandering” over the last decade, initiated by experiences which caused me to question my faith in the church while also pushing me to keep moving forward. I did not want the pastoral malpractice and religious abuse of a few to drive me to abandon the God revealed in Jesus of Nazareth.
Along the way, my journey involved many practices: reading the Bible, prayer, meditation, reading books and articles, listening to podcasts, times of reflection, and conversations with my therapist, my spiritual director, and friends. I journaled, walked prayer labyrinths, screamed at God, cried to God, and experienced what St. John of the Cross calls “the dark night of the soul.”
After living with decades of cognitive dissonance and deep pain, hidden from the world and often myself, this was a journey to discover inner Shalom, peace for my soul.
In the past, I lived in a world of certainty, where the Bible said what it said. I belonged to a religious tribe whose beliefs resonate with the following: “God said it; I believe it; that settles it.” I was trained in that mode of thinking and it aligned well with my need to be right. (That’s a whole different conversation which required hours of therapy to unpack.)
The more I l learn, the more I realize how much I don’t know. Today, I try to make less statements and ask more questions. I have come to believe my understanding of the divine is like having taken a weekend course in Spanish before traveling to Mexico, knowing enough to get around, but having only scratched the surface.
Did I reconcile my faith and my sexuality? Completely? Partially?
Before getting to that, let me address something I have been told or read a few times in recent years: You are just interpreting the Bible so it confirms what you want to do.
Can we be honest for a minute? Don’t we all do that to some extent? We come with our preconceived notions, our biases, and our colored lenses. None of us come to the Bible, or any other religious writing for that matter, with the ability to be completely neutral or unbiased.
I realize I went to the Biblical text seeking resolution of this tension between my understanding of what the Bible says about same-sex attraction and what I had felt inside, and often repressed, for decades. I acknowledge my biases in that regard. But I also admit I wanted to be scholarly and honest about this journey; my desire has alway been to remain faithful to the Creator and the Kingdom.
What I discovered was fascinating and enlightening. While I could share dozens and dozens of books, articles, and conversations, I am only sharing a couple here.
I needed to address the handful of passages in the Bible which seem to condemn same-sex attraction. In his book, Unclobber, Colby Martin examines these passages through scholarship and personal experience. His findings resonated with other things I had found and further expanded my understanding. While I have read a number of books and articles on the subject, Martin’s work has been one of the most accessible and relatable.
Did you know that the word “homosexual” was first used in an English translation of the Bible in the year 1946? I didn’t know that until I attended a viewing of the documentary 1946. This film included significant research, interviews with Biblical scholars, and a touching personal story involving a lesbian and her father, a well-known preacher in his conservative denomination.
Some who have read this far will still disagree with my conclusion that same-sex attraction is not sinful. Are there destructive behaviors in same-sex relationships? Of course, just like there are in heterosexual relationships. For the record, I am not here to debate with anyone, simply to share my journey of discovery and some things I have found along the way.
There have been plenty of discussions with people who agree with me and those who don’t. Many, but unfortunately not all, have been cordial. Some have shared their concern about my salvation. I am at peace with who I am, all of me. I am at peace with God. I have experienced salvation in ways I never could have imagined a decade ago. I could say much more, but my evolving understanding of salvation, heaven, and eternal life are well beyond the scope of this post.
The journey has not always been easy and at times the shame inherent in my past beliefs rears its ugly head. In those moments, I lean into YHWH’s chesed, the steadfast loving kindness of the divine, which envelops me in grace and mercy.
Breaking Into Peace 