I remember, my body remembers, the shame my earlier beliefs caused me to feel. There was a pain deep in my bones for years and years. Our sexuality is part of who we are; when a dissonance exists between key aspects of our identity—such as faith and sexuality—it creates massive internal disruption.
I don’t believe people “choose” to be homosexual or bisexual or even heterosexual, a position I plan to address in an upcoming post. For now, let’s focus on this reality: when we believe our sexuality is bad, we likely believe we are bad. That is the essence of shame.
Brené Brown, in her TED Talk on shame, says, “Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is ‘I am bad.’ Guilt is ‘I did something bad.’”
When someone believes they are inherently bad, shame will likely result. Shame is one of the most destructive forces on the planet. It can lead us to do things we would never imagine doing and cause intense self-hatred. Over time, it wears us down, making us feel less than human, closing us off from the world, and even ourselves.
I’ve been there, spending decades of my life caught in a shame spiral, an out of control, internal storm which caused me to withdraw into a relational and emotional shelter where no one—not even those closest to me—really knew me. More on that in a subsequent post.
Shame started in childhood, growing up in a home where homophobic slurs were common and homosexuality was discussed in, shall we say, less than favorable ways.
My teen years coincided with the AIDS pandemic of the 1980’s, a time when homosexuals and bisexuals were told this disease was a punishment for being gay.
This was all exacerbated by my childhood sexual abuse (I wrote about this several years ago). While I remember that one episode of abuse, questions have lingered about other vague memories. Since sharing my story, several childhood friends shared their’s, including one which caused me to pause and reflect.
Seeds of shame planted just below the surface, these factors were watered by puberty and sprouted as I grew into adolescence. My first experience with another man occurred when I was in college, but I did not openly discuss it with anyone for twenty years. In the meantime, shame continued to grow.
Shame upon shame upon shame, it continued building a tower of weight upon my heart and soul. This hidden secret weighed on me like an ever growing pile of bricks, making it hard to breathe. Meanwhile, other bricks were used to build walls of protection from the outside world, keeping everyone at a safe distance, afraid if anyone knew the real me, no one would want me.
Eight years ago, I couldn’t bear it anymore; the shame had gotten so heavy. I walked into a therapist office, made an appointment, and brick by brick, began dismantling the castle I had built.
The work continues and a handful of bricks remain. This season of deconstruction has lead to reconstruction, repurposing bricks to build bridges, connections to others. A few have used those bridges to hurt me, but most have been welcoming and kind, creating points of deep connection.
Brené Brown defines connection as, “the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” That is precisely what I have begun to experience.
One great irony is how I offered connection to others for years without engaging in it myself. In and out of ministry, I offered space for connection and received others, but never felt safe enough to step into that space myself. I cared for others while dying on the inside by not allowing anyone to fully see me.
Therapy, spiritual direction, journaling, reading, and a host of other practices, have allowed me to work all the way down, removing countless layers of shame. My work is far from done and will never cease; this is the human experience. But I have experienced tremendous healing and found wholeness along the way.
Guilt is good, an alarm reminding us we can do better. But shame is a weapon of destruction, a false narrative telling us we are inherently bad. While we all make mistakes, and need guilt to help us grow, we are all inherently good.
The creation poetry of Genesis 1 & 2 speaks of a Creator who looks upon creation and says, it is good, it is very good. When YHWH breaths life into us, it comes with inherent goodness. Do we make mistakes along the way? Absolutely! But it never changes who we are at our core, the imago dei, the image of God.
Part of my work in deconstructing my shame castle has been coming to understand my sexuality is not bad and does not mean I am bad; it is part of my imago dei. Shame has no place here. Who I love and who I am attracted to is part of who I am and has been a part of who I am since I was born. It has at the same time likely been impacted by my life experiences. More on that next time…
Breaking Into Peace 
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