Bi the Way: Born this way? (Part 4)

Nature or nurture?

This argument comes up around various topics related to people’s characteristics. Was someone born that way or did they become that way based on environment, upbringing, and other factors?

With apologies to Lady Gaga, when it comes to sexuality, I don’t believe we are completely “Born This Way.” (For the record, I still really like that song!)

However, let’s take a deep breath before we run to the other end of the spectrum saying sexuality is something we choose and based completely on our environment.

It’s likely a mixture of both. While there isn’t room here to discuss all of the factors at play, areas of study such as genetics, epigenetics, and brain development support the idea that sexuality is determined by nature and nurture.

Numerous books have been written on the topic. A significant study was published in Science on the subject a couple of years ago. Throughout nature, there appears to be a lack of clear-cut, black and white heterosexuality in countless species. I am not attempting to layout all the scientific evidence here, but to discuss the intersection of my learning and my life experience.

But life is more than biology. While there are genetic aspects to families and personality traits, environmental influences are just as important. This made me wonder, how does sexuality show up in my family and why? A cursory glance seems to reveal a significant number of people who identify as LGBTQ+ in my family. Nature or nurture? I don’t know. Probably both.

I wonder how homophobia in my immediate family might have caused suppression of my sexuality and contributed to the shame discussed in a previous post. Much of my life, a need to please my parents was a strong underlying, unconscious motivation. I am convinced this shaped how I viewed my sexuality both consciously and subconsciously for decades. Years of therapy and several “conversations” with my parents at the cemetery allowed me to confront and work through this.

Some have asked if my sexual abuse at the hands of a man created my attraction to men. I asked this for a long time myself. While life is a never-ending journey of discovery and learning, my response to this question now is a confident “no.”

I believe my sexual abuse, intertwined with the aforementioned homophobia (both in my home and the broader community) pushed my sexuality deeper in the closet. Environment didn’t create my sexuality, it distorted it, making part of who I am seem unacceptable. This created blind spots which took years to bring into view.

Reflecting back on my childhood, same-sex attraction seems to have been present prior to my sexual abuse. Memory is a tricky thing and our recollections of the past are, at best, a glimpse back through foggy lenses, but it’s all we have. Video recordings of our entire life or a novel-like written record of everything we felt and thought isn’t available.

The first attraction to a boy I recall occurred in fifth or sixth grade. I remember finding articles about him in the local paper, cutting them out, and hanging them on my wall in my bedroom. Looking back, this and other aspects of that friendship resemble a typical pre-teen crush.

I recall other hints of same-sex attraction from that season of life. That was the first time I encountered pornography and remember feeling attraction to and interest in both genders while watching. While seeing these images helped inform my identity, pornography also proved to be a destructive force in my relationships with men and women for years.

There is a vague memory from late elementary school of kids making fun of me on the playground and calling me “gay.” There is no recollection of what prompted this, but those comments have remained seared in my memory for decades. Sometimes I want to go back and learn more; other times I am glad I can’t.

None of this fully answers the question of nature or nurture; we may never know for sure. People cite studies, Bible verses, and even their own opinions, feelings, and biases to definitively state it’s one or the other. I am comfortable sitting in the tension caused by the lack of certainty while continuing to seek further understanding.

Sometimes I wonder what my parents would say were they still alive. Would they accept me, condemn me, or sit there in shock? Don’t think I haven’t thought about this more than once. For a while it was a source of great discomfort and pain.

While the question still haunts me at times, the reality is, my parents’ genes, behaviors, and family background strongly impacted me, including my sexuality. Whether they would support me or not, there’s no doubt they contributed significantly to who I am.

My feelings toward them cover a spectrum of emotions, but extending love and forgiveness, even where there has been hurt, has proven to be the only pathway to peace and healing. This not only holds true with my parents, but with myself and others, regardless of their thoughts and feelings about who I am and how they treat me.