Therapy has been transformational. For the last eight years, it has been central to my growth and healing. During countless hours spent in counseling, one of the most frequently discussed topics has been relationships.
Reflecting back on those sessions, an interesting shift emerged over time. Early on, there existed a tendency to blame the other person for many issues in relationships. Lately, conversations usually involve directly addressing the impact of my behaviors.
A key lesson has been learning I can only control my own behaviors, not anyone else’s. Trying to control someone else’s behaviors can quickly evolve into manipulation or intimidation. When no change occurs, resentment, anger, and other unpleasant emotions almost certainly follow.
One reason controlling others was such a struggle for me for so long (and still is at times) has been a deeply rooted fear, a bonfire stacked high with logs of emotional abandonment, shame, lack of trust, fear of rejection, and self-hatred. Over time it became more clear my sexuality and how I viewed it, consciously and subconsciously, poured additional fuel on the fire.
My bisexuality, along with other aforementioned causes of fear, contributed to not fully showing up in relationships most of my life. While most evident in romantic relationships, this impacted every friendship of the first five decades of my life. Until the last few years, no one fully knew me.
That’s on me. No one else is to blame. I am solely responsible for relationships where I didn’t bring my whole self.
For those I hurt in the past, whether in a romantic relationship or friendship, please hear me.
I apologize.
I apologize for the ways I didn’t fully show up and bring my whole self. I apologize for the times I was dishonest or not fully present. I apologize for moments I was controlling or manipulative, when I tried to have things my way at your expense.
I also apologize for the times I lacked good boundaries and allowed myself to be manipulated. I apologize for not having the courage to speak up or leave a relationship earlier, when my fears trumped what was best and I remained silent or stayed too long.
Relationships are only as strong as the weakest person in a relationship. This is not meant to be judgmental or disparaging, but simply a reality. Often, I was that weakest person. It pains me to look back and see how many people were hurt along the way because of that.
This awareness has revealed how frequently this is happening around me. The pattern appears painfully similar, surfacing in relationships where people don’t bring their full selves. The bonfires all burn a little differently, the logs vary from person to person, but the fire rages nonetheless.
If these words speak to you, please reach out for help. I hid for decades, causing deep internal pain which burdened me and leaked onto those around me. I wish I had opened up sooner.
A word of caution. I can almost guarantee it will feel worse before it feels better. Fully revealing yourself to another is scary as hell. I don’t know what your fears are, but I know mine. It has taken years to arrive at a place where they didn’t dominate thinking and behaviors.
It will be hard work. We can order something off Amazon and have it a day or two later. That’s not how this process works if you fully engage with the work, trust me. Depending on how much work one needs to do, it could take years. Reading one book, attending one seminar, or praying one prayer won’t get someone there. It requires determination, dedication, and courage.
Speaking of courage, psychologist Susan David, in her book Emotional Agility, writes, “Courage is not the absence of fear but fear walking.” I used to believe courage was sucking it up, pushing it down, and moving forward. I call BS on that.
David is right, courage is fear walking. It is about learning to be vulnerable and transparent, facing your fears with wisdom, help, and radical honesty. It is gaining the ability to have healthy boundaries while also letting in those who earn trust. It is about learning to fully love yourself.
For all the girls and boys I’ve loved before, but didn’t love with my fullest, best self, I hope you can forgive me. While the past cannot be changed, I hope forgiveness has or will remove some of the pain I created without throwing away the good stuff. I remain thankful for the wonderful memories, positive experiences, and lessons learned along the way.
I’m currently in the healthiest romantic relationship of my life. This is not throwing shade at previous partners; I have dated some incredible people. This is the result of finally bringing my best, fullest self into a relationship. My current partner fully loves and accepts me for who I am, but that was never going to happen until and unless I fully loved and accepted myself and revealed that self to another.
I regularly tell students, don’t look for the kind of the person you want in a relationship, be the kind of person you want in a relationship. Once you pursue that, you will attract the kind of people you seek and won’t settle for anything else.
Breaking Into Peace 