Today is Trinity Sunday, the day the church focuses on and celebrates the Trinity. While the Trinity is never explicitly outlined in the Scriptures, the idea of the Trinity is woven throughout the Bible and Christian thought.
For the last two millennia, there have been countless debates, discussions, and writings about what the Trinity really means. Sorry to disappoint, but I’m not here to offer a definitive answer. What I do have to offer is my experience and learning.
With today being Trinity Sunday and Father’s Day, two relational aspects of my life intersect.
When my life took a hard turn about ten years ago, I did a deep dive into the relational and spiritual aspects of my life. As I learned to embrace vulnerability, I examined what shaped me and explored what could help me heal and grow, including my experiences as a son and a father.
Coming to understand the Trinity as movement and relationship rather than a doctrine impacted me in ways I couldn’t imagine, inviting me into a relationship with YHWH beyond anything I had experienced before, even with two degrees in ministry and nearly a decade and a half in full-time ministry.
I had often been taught about having a relationship with God, but it was mostly transactional, God’s love dependent on my behaviors. If I did X, Y, and Z, then God would grant me grace.
This intersected with my childhood experience with fatherhood. While not intentional or malicious, love from my father was often distant, void of much affection, and often based on my performance, especially in school. Thanks to therapy, reflection, and self-work, I came to this realization, experienced anger and sadness, and have since moved towards compassion, coming to understand my dad was doing the best he could with what he had; for that I am grateful.
My childhood experiences with fatherhood shaped my understanding of God the Father and how I showed up as a dad for my own son, in both good ways and bad. The lack of affection I received as a child drove me to be very intentional about how I loved my own son. We would often hug and snuggle. I would play with him regularly and pray with him almost every night. While I couldn’t put words to it then, I was trying to create what I missed as a child. On the other hand, I was still struggling for authentic connection and vulnerability, something which made it difficult to build deep connections with anyone, including him.
What I have learned in the last decade impacts how I show up in relationships, including as a father. I have learned to share my mistakes and shadows rather than hide them. I have learned to be honest about my feelings, including the unpleasant ones. I have learned to accept I can be responsible for what I have done wrong and still experience love and acceptance.
Some of those lessons emerged from a more robust understanding of the Trinity. Rather than seeing it primarily as different functions or “persons” of some distant divine being, the Trinity became an invitation to a dance with YHWH, an invitation without limits, truly unconditional love. This perfect love sets me free to love more fully, even in my imperfection.
On the wall in my dining rooms hangs a print of The Trinity, an icon created by Russian painter Andrei Rublev in the early 15th century. It is based on the three angels who visited Abraham in Genesis 18, but is dripping in symbolism related to the Trinity. It hangs there as a daily reminder that YHWH is constantly inviting me to join their community of love, grace, and mercy, and for me to extend that invitation to those I meet along the way.
While the hurt I caused my son can never be undone, I hope the ways I have been transformed bring healing and restoration. I will never be the perfect father, but may I never stop learning how to be an even better one.
Breaking Into Peace 