Just a drop

Does anyone else struggle with vacillating between feeling too important and not important at all, or is it just me?

I was thinking about that this morning while sitting on the back porch of my partner’s parents’ house, listening to the river just beyond the line of trees in their backyard. As the birds chirp, the sun begins to rise, and the dew glistens on the grass, the river flows by, adding constant background music to the birds’ beautiful melodies.

I want to be the bird, singing for others to hear. I want to be heard. At times, that need to be heard leads to me believing my voice is more important than others, more worthy of being heard.

From my years of therapy and self-work, I have learned this is a coping mechanism developed in a childhood where I felt emotionally neglected at home, often left to take care of own emotional needs. In order to feel important, I would create an internal world where my importance became a bit consuming, causing me to have an inflated ego. That still happens more often than I care to admit.

But that same emotional wound can cause me to quickly switch directions and swing to the other end of the spectrum, leading me to think I am not important at all. Like that young boy left to nurture himself, I feel like no one in the world sees me, feeling invisible and believing everyone is better than me. This often feeds my insecurities and creates imposter syndrome.

I hope most people don’t struggle with this like me, but imagine some do.

This brings me back to the river.

I am like a drop of water in the river, both vitally important and seemingly insignificant at the same time. Living in this tension is where life is best lived, being part of something always in motion and much larger than me.

I believe everything in the world is connected through the divine, an ever moving force and connection, love in action. When I slow down long enough to listen, I hear the voice of that presence moving in me and around me, flowing like a river.

As a drop of water in the river of creation, I do matter. My momentary encounter with a rock in the stream may not noticeably change that rock, but when countless other drops come before and after me, we collectively change that rock in noticeable ways. This makes us both insignificant and vital at the same time.

If there was no water or just my drop, nothing would change, but as part of a larger movement, I can make a difference.

I am one person out of eight billion in the world and a speck on the timeline of history. However, in this time and place my life occupies, I matter.

So I will keep flowing down the river of history, knowing at some point my drop will evaporate. In the meantime, I want to touch every life I encounter and do my small part to leave love’s imprint on every person I meet. If I do that, my insignificance becomes significant and makes the world a little better. If we all do this together, we will change the world in ways we never thought possible.