Stop, collaborate and listen

If you grew up in the 1980s, you probably know who Vanilla Ice. One of his most well known and oft-quoted lyrics comes from the song “Ice Ice Baby.”

“Stop, collaborate and listen.”

These lyrics are bouncing around in my head this morning while reflecting on an encounter with my partner yesterday while finalizing some travel plans and I was using a few unfamiliar websites and apps.

When I am trying to learn something, I often “lock-in” and try to figure it out. This tendency come from a combination of wanting to learn, trying to figure things out, and a need to achieve mastery at something.

In and of itself, those are not bad motives, but when you mix them with a deep-seated need to display your expertise from a childhood where performance equaled worth, it’s a recipe for me not showing up as my best self. Last night was no exception to that outcome.

What I should have done is listen to Vanilla Ice and stopped, collaborated and listened. I should have been appreciative, not defensive. I should have assumed positive intent and not been so hell-bent on figuring it out on my own. Sometimes I frustrate myself as much as I do those around me.

There is a quote by Viktor Frankl hanging on a wall in my house and sitting on a shelf in my office. (Yes, I actually bought two of the same piece of wall art.) It says, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.”

I don’t keep that quote clearly visible at home and work because I have mastered it; quite the opposite. I constantly need the reminder to widen the space between stimulus and my response. Yesterday was but one more salient reminder there is still much work for me to do.

We all have those things that set us off. Maybe yours isn’t a need to prove you can do it yourself. Maybe yours isn’t a deep-seated need to justify your worth. One of the biggest tasks of everyone’s self-work is to discover what those things are.

But that discovery is not the end goal; it is a gateway to the next level. That next level, my friends, is where the real work starts. It’s one thing to know what triggers you. It’s a whole other thing to engage in the work of widening that space between stimulus and response.

It’s pretty clear to me every day we all have work before us. I see it in our politics. I see it in the workplace. I see it in my community.

I wonder how much better we could make the world around us if we all strengthen our power to choose our response instead of letting our response choose itself. Maybe we would lash out less, strike back less, and, in the process, stop hurting other people so much. That sure sounds like growth and freedom to me.

The next time something triggers an emotional response, think about broadening the space Frankl talks about and listen to Vanilla Ice. Stop. Collaborate. Listen. Take a step towards developing the power to choose a response which brings peace and connection rather than one fueling discord and separation.